I Spent Years Believing a Lie About Myself: My Unmasking Journey

It hit me the other day just how far I’ve come on my unmasking journey. I feel incredible compared to how I felt just six years ago, before I realized I was autistic. So I thought I’d share a bit about my journey to get here so that others in that place can see the possibilities.

Before I started to realize that I had major sensory sensitivities (this came before I figured out I was autistic), I was so overwhelmed all the time. I was overwhelmed by constant social interactions, constant sensory overload, and the emotional turmoil of feeling like I just didn’t fit in the world. And I held all of it inside, like a pit of self-loathing in my stomach that I told almost nobody about. I hid my overwhelm and tried to act as I saw others doing. I was very high masking, but I was miserable and told my therapist often that there was something wrong with me that I just couldn’t figure out.

Even after I gained an understanding of my autism and sensory needs to some extent, I felt broken. In some ways, it felt worse right after my diagnosis. Because even though I knew what was “wrong with me,” I felt like I’d received a life sentence of being broken with no possibility of parole. I struggled to tell anyone about my diagnosis and struggled to find any useful supports. Being aware of my different needs just made them feel more overwhelming and made me feel like I had no way out of this overwhelm, because the problem was me (cue Taylor Swift lyrics).

Then I discovered the social model of disability at a talk I had helped organize at my kids’ elementary school from a local disability advocacy and support organization, The Arc of King County. I had been taught my whole life the medical model of disability, which promotes the idea that disabilities are caused by a person being defective. And I had internalized this way of thinking. Yet, the social model of disability shows that disability is caused by society not meeting the needs of those who simply need different things from what the majority needs. For example, someone who uses a wheelchair can easily get around anywhere that is built with wheelchair users in mind. It’s only when in places that ignore their existence and have stairs, rough terrain, and curbs with no ramps that they experience being disabled. It is society ignoring these needs that disables them.

I bring up the social model of disability while talking about my unmasking journey because it was the key to undoing my internalized ableism that told me that I should mask. Internalized ableism told me to hide my autism and my autistic needs from others. It told me to pretend that I was fine when I wasn’t. It told me to keep doing things that overwhelmed me just because I was supposed to do them as an adult in our society. I realized that the problem wasn’t my autistic needs; instead, these neurotypical expectations were disabling me.

This absolutely freed me! I saw that my needs were valid and I felt empowered to honor them even when they didn’t match society’s expectations. I grew comfortable with wearing earplugs and my comfiest clothes at any time. I used fidgets anywhere and everywhere. I spoke up when something was too bright, too loud, or too social for me. Most importantly, I started to say, “No,” to the things I knew would overwhelm me. I learned countless ways that I could protect my sensory and social needs. I even grew proud of my autistic identity and got comfortable telling everyone about my autism.

You may be in that place that I was in around the time of my diagnosis. You may feel broken and that you need to hide your autism. You may see that masking is exhausting you, but struggle to find another way to be. Please know that there is a path forward out of this internalized ableism. You are on your own unmasking journey that will take many steps. I hope that the social model of disability can help you like it helped me. And I hope that the resources that I’ll be sharing about unmasking in the next few weeks will help as well. You can do this!

P.S. I've got the perfect free resource to help you on your unmasking journey, my Essential Scripts for Self-Talk While Unmasking. Download it to get started on changing the negative self-talk that is keeping you masked!

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